Celebrating Transgender Day of Visibility: Chloe AyoDeji Filani - My mother knew I’d be a daughter?

Today, and always, we recognise and celebrate our transgender, nonbinary, and gender-non conforming community. International Transgender Day of Visibility was created in 2009 by transgender activist Rachel Crandall, and serves as a moment to reflect on the issues faced by transgender people today. We wanted to take the opportunity to highlight a prominent artist and reached out to the phenomenal poet, Chloe AyoDeji Filani, to write a piece for the day.

My mother knew I’d be a daughter?
 
I don’t remember what it was to be a
 
boy 
 
That’s cause she never was. 
 
 
Constantly curious of the way ppl born with vulvas grew 
 
Constantly growing through trauma and playfulness 
 
Constantly told I can’t do be can’t not allowed gotta do can’t could never. 
 
Stop 
 
Stop
 
Playing with the other girls 
 
This play is common
The child
The gender Variant child
That’s not a boy it’s a girl child 

 Elderly women always called me beautiful.

I thought that was strange as it was reserved for girls boys was called handsome 
 
I love being called beautiful 
 
You got more sweets 
 
With a smile. 
 
After some years this no longer worked in my favour 
 
Bitter sweets treats girls side boys side let me go on the side I want.
 


No 
 
No  
 
No 
 
No feels like a punch slap of forever ongoing trauma of you’ll never be she 
 
But I always was sweet 
 
Beautiful Negro child 
 
Sparkles from cheek to cheek 
 
Still curious y my body never twisted and turn grew bumps on my chest and the hidden secrets and whispers of monthly blood 
 
My mother knew a sentence she said when I was 3,
yes third year on this spinning rock 
 
‘You can stop being the girl’
 
Wait, pause and again 
 
Sharper tone 
 
Najia talk. 
 
‘You can stop being gal sha’
 
‘You ave sister on da way’ 
 
I’m grieving the babygal that couldn’t be
 
So 
now what 
Now what?? 
 
 
            You’ll find yourself
            baby chloe. 
    I’m loving on
    you
    now 

By Chloe AyoDeji Filani

Chloe is an artist of poetry, performance, Black Feminism, public Speaker and workshop facilitator. Her artistic practise/poetry works with her lived experience of being a Black trans woman and broader themes of identity of power structures and finding hope imagining fantasy and storytelling.